The Devastation of Depression

depressed man  It was 2002 and the first Monday of our keenly anticipated summer vacation when I noticed sudden, severe back pain. In less than a week I was in the ER, near death, and diagnosed with sepsis, double pneumonia, kidney failure, and bacterial meningitis. Four days later I woke up in ICU, beginning a long recovery with months of intravenous antibiotics and physical therapy. Miraculously, I survived, thanks to excellent medical treatment and praying friends.
In much the same way twelve years earlier depression blindsided me in the middle of a wonderful career as the pastor of a growing, exciting congregation. But whereas the meningitis is long gone with no after effects, the depression lingers after more than fifteen years of antidepressants, psychotherapy, and a loyal, loving, and incredibly patient wife. After a hiatus from pastoral ministry, I returned, but never regained my enthusiasm, joy, or energy. My wife tells me I have difficulty relating to anyone on an emotional level. It seems depression has permanently blunted my emotions and crippled intimacy on many levels.

Already an introvert, I only wanted to be alone. I avoided conflict and was (am still) unable to watch any movie or play with stressful relationships. People exhaust me and many days I could be happy staring at the horizon with only the dog for company. I can no longer serve on committees or take leadership.

How do I, a Christian, handle depression when all my life I was taught that prayer works and God heals? What caused this catastrophic emotional typhoon, the devastation of which keeps on robbing me and my family from the joyful companionship we long enjoyed?

Causes of Depression

 (Disclaimer: I am neither a medical professional nor a psychologist and only share what I am learning from reading, counseling, and personal experience.)

Actually, depression is a normal part of the ups and downs of life. For example, after a stressful tennis match, business meeting, or extremely busy event, the body goes into mild depression to help you recover. Too much stimulation causes adrenaline flow which, if left unchecked, can physically and emotionally damage you. But after a day off, a nap, or a vacation, you are recharged and ready to go.

Harmful depression is triggered by certain experiences that make you feel trapped. Depression builds when these stressful situations, relationships, or events occur so often or rapidly that there is no recovery time, creating a downward spiral of worsening depression which can become impossible to overcome. This downward spiral often builds over many years in which a person feels trapped by abuse, work, a bully, bad health, or family stress until suddenly your coping ability implodes and you collapse emotionally.

One counselor explained it to me this way. Suppose you are in a swimming pool and someone throws you a beach ball (stressful event) that you must hide. You hold it under the water with no problem. Then another beach ball comes. You hold it down. Then another, and another, and another, until…..you can’t hold them down (cope) any more. They shoot to the surface (you can no longer function). Depression becomes chronic when the chemical imbalance in your system caused by stress or your emotional triggers becomes permanent.

My depression developed both from experiences as a child of missionary parents and an obsessive compulsive nature that wanted to keep everyone happy. Pastoring a church places you in a wonderful place of being able to help, encourage, and guide people to a fulfilling, life-changing relationship with God. I loved that. What I did not know how to handle was conflict, disagreements, the stress of building facilities we no longer had money for, displeasing people with different theologies, and managing staff and volunteers with emotional needs I could not fathom. Added to this was a growing discovery of longstanding anger at my parents for sending me and my sister away to school while we were only children, resentment against those with impossible demands, and the fatal misunderstanding that a good Christian (and pastor!) should never be angry. Up came the beach balls and I was totally incapacitated.

Surviving Depression

When my depression slammed me to the mat, my congregation responded with grace, support, and love. They granted me a three-month leave and recommended seeing a counselor. Soon after I moved to a different career and began taking antidepressants, all which have been part of the survival process. In that time—and the many years since–I have begun to recognize the triggering events. I have read widely, counseled with some wonderful counselors, and asked my family to forgive me—a continuous process.

  • I am blessed to have an extremely supportive and loving family. They have stuck with me through thick and thin. Thank you, family!
  • Feedback from those who know you well and a good counselor will help you understand and recognize the triggers that set you off. Understanding your past and the causes of repressed anger is vital to coping as life continues. There are many excellent resources available and I have read many. Particularly helpful was the book Boundaries: When to say Yes, How to say No to take control of your life[1]. Personality tests, including the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Personality Inventory[2], were a revelation to me.
  • Antidepressants are a lifesaver. Do not hesitate to talk with your doctor about these. The stigma surrounding these has largely disappeared, but some people still feel that you should get over your depression and get off the medicine. Not true. If you have high blood pressure, your doctor will tell you the medicine is for life. It’s the same with antidepressants.
  • As a lifelong Christian, it has been crucial for me to understand God’s grace and to accept imperfection. Many Christians still play the tapes from their childhood or particular denomination that condemn failure of faith and shun those who don’t fit the mold.
  • It’s okay to be who I am, even if I’m depressed.
  • The world is still beautiful. God’s love and grace are sufficient. He loves me—and you—the way we are, not the way we’re “supposed to be.”
  • Life is still meaningful, even with depression, and I am learning to sing songs again. I call them Night Songs.

[1] Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, Zondervan, © Henry Cloud and John Townsend. See www.zondervan.com.

[2] See www.myersbriggs.org

Depression

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David Shultz enjoys mountain views in Arizona where he lives with his wife and two dogs, Molly and Maggie.

17 Comments Leave a comment

    • Appreciate you and your family! Big hugs your way. I can identify with you in many ways on your blog. My story is way different, but the depression part that lingers on seems to be a constant health condition. I too am a Christian, and for years would ask God “why” don’t you take this from me? A small still voice keeps encouraging me to just be myself. My family supports me, and my friends love me in spite of my worries. I continue to love and serve God to the best of my abilities, and he accepts that. I am thankful he isn’t finished with me yet. Thankful he is using me to help others in spite of how I feel some days. Can’t thank God enough for my precious husband that encourages me and is my best friend, here on earth. Thankful David Shultz made it out of that parking lot in time to marry Sheldon and I. LOL Many trails have come our way as parents but our precious boys need us. They too have their health issues. But somehow, we encourage them to do their best. That’s all any of us can do. With the help of prayer, counseling, love, hope, grace, family and friends, I keep my eyes lifted to the heavens. Just this morning, God placed an oval shaped piece of a rainbow right in front of me while I was driving home from the airport. Blue sky, white fluffy clouds and no rain in sight. I love those special moments with God!

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    • Thanks for the share Dave, I remember being at your house years ago and thinking what great love filled your house, I had never experienced anyplace like that. I went to therapy for ten years and took antidepressants for about ten years. So thankful for how god used the church for me to get help. Thanks for writing, you will always be my pastor and I love Karen too. 😊

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  1. Dave, thank you so much for sharing your blog when I saw you last. Praise God you are able to write about your experiences and knowledge of this chronic depression. My diagnosis came when I was 40 and thought I was losing my mind – living in the past and unable to function above basic day to day needs. Your insights have always been an encouragement to me and I keep you in my prayers as I know you keep us in yours.

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  2. David I can strongly relate to this post on depression. I have struggled with the same issues. I found the book “Spiritual Depression – It’s causes and Cures” by D. Martin Lloyd Jones incredibly helpful and would rank it on my all time best reads list. Have you heard of it or perhaps read it? Thank you again for this excellent blog on your story. It was meaningful and helpful for me.

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  3. Thanks for sharing this again today, Dave. My life has been awash with the effects of depression, not just from within but from those around me. I am so glad that it is something the church is coming to understand better, and that those who would have us hide depression from view and go back to pretending to cope have lost much of their power. We are free to be real with one another, share the burdens, love more genuinely. It is in authentic sharing that I have found the greatest healing.

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  4. Thank you for sharing this! I’ve suffered from depression most of my life with a family that didn’t and doesn’t completely understand. Over the years I’ve made major changes in my life that have helped but still struggle. It seems to be something society makes us feel embarrassed or ashamed of which makes it even more difficult at times. Thank you for the advice and recommendations. Prayer and faith have gotten me through some very difficult times because I know there is always one on my side.

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  5. Yesterday on FB my son’s post was a semicolon. No words, just a semicolon. I’m familiar with Project Semicolon and responded immediately. Since its inception, Project Semicolon has transformed into a full fledged movement and awareness campaign for mental health and suicide prevention. I’m passing this information onto you and hope you will enlighten your reading audience.

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